For the past several days - I've been drafting, redrafting and rewriting a specific post that covers my thoughts on the themes that were highlighted as the results of this weeks sessions... in an attempt to get a "definitive list" of thoughts ready ahead of time.
A process that I've come to a certain realisation about - I've technically had several journals for this course until now, physical one with sketches and notes from class, one on my personal drive where I write submissions before making posts here, and this. But the entire point of the online journal system is to have everything in one place.
Plus, journals are supposed to be our thoughts, as we have them, there's a lot of freedom in format, presentation, and content... and so going for more than a dozen or so essays ... when I could have just had bullet point lists for example, for the theme list... well, it's not working smart, rather just putting my nose to the grindstone until I have what I need.
There's a depressing element on spending several days trying to articulate thoughts, and then having to delay sharing them because their presentation is insufficient. Am I doing enough work? It never feels like I am.
"Well, what I need to do is just have a big ol' post that covers everything I think about these themes, that'll make it smoother to discuss them"
Was the thought I'd had. But in truth, I could write and think of as things as much as I want, but there's no value if there isn't a clear output from it. Which is besides the point that you can't have one piece of work that does everything for you anyway.
Although university serves as a place to try out new things and be exposed to unusual ideas, it feels like I'm failing to achieve acceptable results so long as I'm still running in circles.
So, moving forward:
- if I do go with forward with those essay posts at all, I'll reconsider the format and simplify them
- thoughts dont need to be followed down every thread, some incomplete ones can be returned to later
- not answering every single question immediately, some things are worth keeping in mind, but holding off on a conclusion until I discuss with someone else is acceptable too
Which should help with feeling like we're making progess, although... well, the dissatisfaction at not doing enough remainsinescapable.
Theres no such thing as a finished product, and so expecting one out of a journal posts (of all things) just sets me up with unhealthy and excessive expectations that get me nowhere.